Irrationality is specific and predictable [DanAriely]

• cognitive dissonance, refers to what we do when our beliefs and actions misalign. When we can’t change the cold, hard facts, we change our beliefs! [eg. when a girlfriend makes her lover wait or fret for her, he will rationalize it by deciding he loves her]
• confronted with one disruption to our daily routine, we become more open to other changes. When things break, we enter the right mind-frame for breaking our old habits as well.
• comparison with context helps us to understand how much we love or value something or willing to care for someone. Context moulds our perseption [eg. same food portion in a small plate rather than a big plate, satietes more]
• happiness depends on what we can easily imagine/avail & the ‘don’t have state’ is more easily imaginable but after getting it we adapt overtime to the new level of stimulation.
• anchoring is the seeding of a NEW initial desicion that influences future decisions to will into a string of habit.
• product framed as ‘free’, is more attractive with only upside, than discounting/free shipping/removing taxes.
• social force & market force are not additive, when one comes other one goes away. Social norms protect, build trust & confidence, so hiding money[market norm] inefficiently in the form of gifts[social norm] is a good deal since valuable relationships are preserved.
• emotions are a crucial driver & multiventer.[eg. in hot state, the promises previously made in cold state(like adhering to condoms) are broken]
• heightened sensitivity to short-term, make us forget the longterm goals. Some frailabilities[like procrastination] can be overcome if we give them the right tool [like option of presetting a deadline with a downside for failing to attain it].
• the buyer & seller have 2differrent perspectives not on what they give & get in the transaction but focusing more on what they tend to give up. So seller has a higher price for giving up ownership.
• fear of loss/ giving up options makes us think that more options/flexibility is better. So when other doors are threathened to disappear, we try to open to keep the options open rather than dedicate all attention,energy,affection to the one [eg.relation] that stands long chance of survining.
• reality gets reinforced/influenced by what we expect of it [placebo effect].

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , PERSPECTIVE, RELATE, THINKING PATTERNS

TAINT PROOF: DEAL WITH DAILY LAY POLITICS

Ash may not burn your hands like fire, but it chars you black, so don’t handle it.

Recognize a politically charged atmosphere -

1. indirect/controlled/manipulated communication. people/actions/decisions are judged as good/bad. relationships & alliances are built upon secrecy.
2. mundane is overblown, significant issues are minimised. resistance to policies ranges from passive to overtly destructive.
3. conflicts are behind the scenes & are unacknowledged. when things go wrong,rather than seeking the causes of problems, peole blame each other.
4. decisions are made by small powerful cliques. information is disseminated by gossip. employees lack direction on what is expected of them. rosy promises of future distract people from an unhappy present.

Be politically astute – manage how you are perceived-

1. do unto others the way they would want.
2. talk about your strenghts & how well you can relate to company’s needs.
3. honor your gut feelings & intuition: if something doesn’t feel right to you, don’t participate.
4. become known as the “get it done” type & manage others perceptions to the point you get credit for the good work you are doing, but don’t put appearance ahead of substance.

This does reason my issues with those who bugged me.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , POLITICS, RELATE

NETWORKING TOOLS FOR WOMEN

1. build professional relationships by finding a sponsor within the old-boys network & use even non-professional networking opportunities to advance your career.
2. negotiate like a wrestler,ask more & more often & don’t settle sooner. practice in local markets during holidays.
3. set up a dealing interaction & build a good reputation by doing a good job around the mentor you want to meet. get close to a role model by helping them with everyday tasks, then observe & learn. then practice being a leader yourself wherever you can, esp when the consequences of making mistakes are small. being the figurehead of such initiatives does not only enlarge your network but also increases your self-confidence. as a result, your environment starts recognizing your leadership capcities & you’ll be invited to take the leader role more often.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , ASSERT, COLLABORATE, LEADERSHIP, RELATE

Networking :You are not at the mercy of an accident of birth!

You are who you know : what clusters you want to be in, who is the hub or which connector knows the hub?

• And this is a small world with at least the possibility to reach people within a reasonable number of steps [Law of 6 degrees of separation].

• And networks evolve, your world changes and you yourself change.

So the key in networking is:

1. Repeated interactions over time can only occur when based on deals or liking each other. So get active with people who you like or who love you or atleast with whom you can make an honest exchange or a deal, then you may enjoy getting invitations!
2. He who starts early, gets the most.
3. Ones who are relaxed, humorous, friendly will make more connections. Fit get richer. Likable people are easy to relate to. They’ve learned how to explain their passions and drives in a way other people can readily understand.
4. The larger and more active your network, the more likely that you will be tipped off. Team performs better when each of its members is able to act as a source of information from ‘places far away’. So just go and have a nice time within as many different closed groups as you can, be active in multiple cliques, search them in a variety of ways using your multifaceted identity.
5. Givers get. That is the paradox of profit :   Everyday support is more like giving an idea, a helping hand, a listening ear, a tip. Emergency support is, for instance, bringing someone home when his or her car is broken or lending a person a considerable amount of money to get a business started. Give with pleasure,unconditionally,treat others the way they want to be treated. But give respectfully, to the receiver and to yourself. And you’ll be given valuable information, moral supprot and any other kind of help.
6. Those who have personal connections in common feel a stronger bond and are thus more likely to be supportive of each other. When the network owes support to an individual, the individual doesn’t need to depend on ties with specific other individuals who owe reciprocity. Your reputation travels ahead of you. You do not have to be a best friend, just another weak tie can get you to the hub and these vague references are less risky too!
7. Trusted weak ties provide the most useful knowledge. Trust here means benevolence-based trust (the person cares about me) or competence-based trust (this source approaches things with professionalism and dedication). Therefore, when looking for what you need, look for weak ties in a caring or a professional and dedicated environment.
8. And what you need to send out across is a sensible crisp request repeatedly to stand a chance of being passed on while at least reflecting your original intention: specific, short, memorable, first in a series, contains an element of movement, uses labels and familiar symbols, gives an idea of the relative importance of its different components, invoking further explanation.
9. Lack of initiative or interest or incentive was by far the most important reason for chains failing to reach the target. And longer chains become less effective since you haven’t built up a relationship with that farther person. The friend of a friend of a friend does not know you or your friend.

I think these tips would root-out learned helplessness.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , COLLABORATE, FRIENDSHIPS, NETWORKING, RELATE, RELATIONS, SEARCH

don’t play to your temptations or let others cash on your weaknesses

admitting truth instills confidence to have productive conflict which clears decisions for accountable performance.

• don’t lock up conscience: gain credibility by welcoming dissent & admitting when you are wrong. that which the truth demolishes should be.
• don’t bottle up tensions: encourage airing perspective differences helps debugging towards better decisions but guard against attacks on self-esteem. let collaboration thrive in the chaos.
• don’t shirk from duty: clear direction is the antidote to anxiety so settle the uncertainty rather than staying paralysed analyzing more info/debating accurate timing to act. demarcate responsibilities.
• don’t hold back  first things: work for long-term respect by giving negative feedback & making commitments accountable. don’t be a affectionate anchor feeding others ego & to fit in the group think.
• don’t smudge the report card: measure success by performance not by advancing status or protecting ego.if you want to cut, you should’nt parry.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , ATTITUDE, RELATE, TEMPTATIONS, WEAKNESSES

gems of communication & relationships

success is 90% peoples skills & 10% ideas

to hasten good bonding in relationships:

• relate with the friend’s friends
• meet at more than one place [not just at college, at seminars, exhibitions, library, home...
• trust one on one encounter more than those altered by group dynamics
• share stories for increasing emotional relatedness
• have fun
• keep your antenna out for workplace ritual behaviors.
• unless damm sure try it their way.
• unless you have very good reason, work on feedback.
• acknowledge "that experiment din't work" &  readily switch gears to an other way.
• regulate, don't try prohibiting anything to zero-risk.
• build your competency on your fears...GREAT learning sign!
• don't add to the tension, break it. [do curse for a moment to let go the steam...may be on your slothful computer]

let flow  communication:

• “would you mind doing me a favor?”
• even in disagreement show interest to listen to others opinion “I want to hear what’s your view/reason is” “our judgements fall on the same scale but at different intensity points”
• while comparing clarify “it’s an observation not criticism”
• don’t interrupt with a negative statement before the other person completes saying their story
• don’t hesitate to switch topics. “let’s switch topics”
• don’t leave anyone feeling alone.  hear what the rised hand wanted to say
• send off with a “i enjoyed the talk with you” when the other’s attention is receding
• insert a fore-warn “a quick side story before continuing the topic”
• extreme emotion doesn’t read as passion, but as out of control or possessive. Let out emotions not wider than pleased to concerned.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , COLLABORATE, COMMUNICATION, RELATE

HOW TO HAVE THE RICH HEART TO INSTILL CONFIDENCE

Self-assurance not self-awareness drives performance.

Realistic assessment of difficulty & unrealistic optimism in ability will overcome challenges.

How to build strength in a shipwrecked person to bounce back or a vulnerable child with low self-esteem to race through the beautiful life?….. this is not a moment’s fix, it’s a continuous appraisal over a period, possible only in a stable long-term relationship:

SHOW CONFIDENCE IN THEM & ALSO IN YOURSELF:

Believe in the person. Entrust your confidence in them. Stay assured they will do it!

Things you say about yourself can damage your child’s self-esteem. Children learn a great deal from copying adults close to them. If you overreact to situations or pressure, your child may worry you really can’t handle life’s challenges. This won’t set your child an example of a positive, optimistic attitude to life and how to handle problems.

SHOW EMPATHY:

Listen to them carefully, repeat what you’ve heard to make sure you understood correctly and give positive prompts to encourage them to continue speaking. Acknowledge their feelings  and help express them verbally. Accept any fears or insecurities they express as genuine, even if they seem trivial to you, don’t just brush them aside.

Reassure that it’s OK to make mistakes and that it’s all part of  life/growing up.  Laugh with them – never at them.

SHOW RESPECT :

Respect their interests even if  they seem boring to you. Take a genuine interest in their friends, and what’s happening at school/work place/home, and comment to show you’re listening.

SHOW PRIDE:

Focus on whatever they can succeed at. Encourage them to take chances and try new things.

Praise , looking them in the eye & using their name,  saying specifically what you liked. Avoid praising with a sting in the tail.

Give frequent , genuine positive feedback on the efforts they put into tasks as well as the outcomes they achieved. Celebrate - for they measure their worth and achievements by what we think of them.

SHOW SUPPORT:

Reprimanding comments  make them feel even worse than they do already for failing at something. Instead, try to give support by saying something like: “Oh no, you tried, but it didn’t work. Never mind. Next time you could succeed.”  It’s not only the critical things said directly that can undermine confidence, even if they overhear you tell someone things like  “she’s so clumsy” they might think you really believe this and feel it can’t be changed.

Criticise behaviour, not the person. Be clear that it’s an action you’re angry about & not them.

Too many negative remarks  can result in them believing they’re useless or stupid.

All the following can damage one’s confidence:

• Saying you don’t like them
• Saying you wish they’d never been there
• Insults or unkind remarks
• Deliberately ridiculing things they do or feel
• Cruel teasing and sarcasm
• Endless nagging
• Aggressive shouting and swearing

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , ATTITUDE, EMPOWER, ENCOURAGE, RELATE, SENSITIVE

HOW TO OFFER SUPPROT TO SOMEONE IN DISTRESS

When someone close to you is unable to pull themselves out of, something more serious than a passing emotional distress, what can you do to mitigate the suffering?

GET THEM RIGHT:

First keep in mind, how any human mind in distress is susceptible to behave :

• everything is out of control & see false patterns,illusions,conspiracies.
• tend to feel lonely & any attempt to get back on track looks hopeless.
• unable to cope with day-to-day life.
• labile & fragile extreme emotions-angry/frightened/aggressive/hostile/depressed/suicidal.
• unpredictable/unacceptable behaviour & refuse to accept anything is anyway unusual.

GET THEM SPEAK UP:

So, to personally know the contextual thoughts & inevitable feelings,actions , they should be roused to confine.

Hence, it helps to give support by being an empathetic listener who can reassure & encourage, to slowly pull them into good spirits.

Accept them by acknowledging but don’t tell them how they should feel or what they should do. Advising on how to solve competently, easily rebuffs someone who has lost self-confidence.

Don’t be over optimistic to waive off their problems. Help them solve themselves bite by bite.

GET THEM MOVING:

Appreciate even small successes or any positive direction they already took & make it a celebration.

To make them regain control & feel empowered ask them what they wish from others, from you & from their life.

Speak on their behalf & stand up for their rights. This advocacy will blossom hopes in them & strength to take on their life.

Give practical help in everyday tasks to preserve the basic structure of life. But do not do more than is necessary as it might increase the person’s feelings of inadequacy.

As they conquer challenges within their present transient low ability, their self-confidence increases & simultaneously their competencies reach normal levels.

GET THEM SMILING:

Make them feel secure & loved by holding hands,hugs. This’ll help them regain trust in the world around.

Help them forget their problems for a while & alleviate stress through laughter,films,amusing memories.

But don’t coax to the extent that you put them under pressure to “pull themselves together”.

Don’t shy away from resorting to Medical professional help if these changes don’t yield improvement. When positive internal dialogues are’nt helping, Anti-depressants,anxiolytics help acting like a scaffold for the optimum life structure from collapsing into tragic loses.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , EMPATHIZE, EMPOWER, ENCOURAGE, RELATE, SENSITIVE, SUPPORT

FAMILY MATTERS : STRESSBUSTING.

When you are feeling as if you’re at the end of the tether:

1. Give yourself extra time to avoid  hastened feeling.
2. Save your energy for issues which really matter to your family and let the little things go by.
3. Keep your self talk  positive by thinking through positive perspectives to  encourage yourself to boost your confidence,cheerfulness,discipline & willingness to perform tasks & always be part of the solution.
4. Include relaxing activities in your daily routine to allow your mind to take a break as well as your body [Listen to calm music, a relaxation CD, TED speech]
5. Try a simple quick technique to stop losing cool-

• Take a slow deep breath in and out again, then carry on breathing gently and calmly . Let your shoulders drop down and your hands go floppy at your sides . Smooth out your forehead and let your jaw drop slightly. Notice your mind relaxing as your body softens.
• Phone a friend or family member.
• Get some fresh air for a moment- escape to the porch or balcony.
• Count to ten then ask yourself: “Do I feel calm?” If the answer is no, carry on counting until you can say yes.
• Laugh out loud, laughter releases tension.
• Put on your favourite music.
• Throw your energy into a big cleaning session/ organize your to-dos to keep focus on your goals.
• Have a drink of water or make yourself a cup of tea.
• Think about a loving moment ,a caring remark, lovely photo.
• Say to yourself: “Keep calm, think positive“.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , ATTITUDE, RELATE, STRESS

INTERPRET THE EXPRESSIONS CORRECTLY.

People differ greatly in the ways they approach close relationships.

There are two fundamental ways in which people differ from one another in the way they think about relationships:

1. People who are high in attachment-related anxiety tend to worry whether others really like them and often fear rejection.
2. People who are high in attachment-related avoidance are less comfortable depending on others and opening up to others.

• People who are low in both attachment-related anxiety and avoidance are generally considered secure because they don’t typically worry about whether others are going to reject them and they are comfortable being emotionally close to others.
• Preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, often experience a lot of negative emotions.
• Dismissing people often have high self-confidence, but they come across as hostile or competitive by others
• Fearful people tend to have much difficulty in their relationships. They tend to avoid becoming emotionally attached to others, and, even in cases in which they do enter a committed relationship, the relationship may be characterized by mistrust or lack of confidence.

So whats the balanced attitude : express yourself with no doubts about getting rejected & thrust confidence onto others without clinging to them.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , PERSONALITY, PSYCHOLOGY, RELATE, THINKING PATTERNS

TAKING CHARGE

Organize the group in 3 ways:

1. MEETINGS- these are assigned a particular time slot to deliver the aims & functions of the group.
2. SESSIONS- these involve discussions with no time limit.
3. INDIVIDUAL APPRAISAL- setting has you & only that person.

MEETINGS:

1. Goal plan
   full picture-reasons,objectives,profit,etc
2. Segment the functions into one sitting completion tasks.
3. Prioritize and set time limits.
4. Assign the tasks along with reasons for completion.
5. no collective responsibility. giving each a responsibility is the way to make one responsible and to tally for improvement.
6. introduce new structure to remove boredom.
7. give guidance but put them under a long lease of control.
8. the task has to be challenging enough and also make one feel competent.
9. to allay stress alternate responsibility slot with recovery slot.
10. decide on what to celebrate so that others clearly know which success icon to emulate.

SESSIONS:

1. encourage network & collaboration with I message.
2. read books & share the information. welcome dissent. apply the concluding decision.
3. assess strengths/weaknesses, likes/dislikes, motivations/dampness.
4. ask for reason when faced with resistance.empathize with identity to allay their vulnerabilities & warps.
5. don’t attack the person as evil. Correct the ignorance by calling for ad-hock working solution.

1-1 TALK:

1. sublimate mistakes but acknowledge their interests seriously & give feedback.
2. distressed people’ needs have to be cared for-advocate,preserve structure,help with basic work,provide information.
3. let them choose to have control & power. people resist change when it is imposed on them.
4. allow them to experiment with work to discover their flow.people don’t shirk from duty or resort to illegality if what they do is what they like.
5. ask reasons when faced with resistance.
6. empathize with identity to allay vulnerabilities & warped thinking.
7. allow venting but with a time limit.
8. self assurance not self awareness drives performance. give accurate description of the difficulty & trust over optimism in their ability.
9. don’t judge-give hope. blame lack of effort for failure. on succeeding praise their unique strengths.
10. if they attempted & failed -give feedback & motivation. if they are feeling weak even to attempt or are repeatedly failing then they have a weakness which requires long term stitches.

Filed under: INITIATIVES, UNIVERSAL , PRODUCTIVE, PURPOSE, RELATE