Laws for a strong family

Home rules:

1. Follow a regular schedule/ritual & inform beforehand if anything falls outside the schedule.
2. Clean up mess.
3. Don’t yell/bang. Be kind & respect others views & property.
4. Have fun by organizing an experience which fulfills other’s need. Hvae a adrressal slot like a dinnertime/family night.
5. Empower everyone with equitable responsibilities & regarding financial transactions.

Family traditions:

1. Celebrate birthdays, festivals, vacations, yearly goals, interests. This boosts social development & emotions of cohesiveness.
2. Keeping the event predictable & consistent as much as possible increases happiness.
3. Pre-requisites:
   • energy, so have regular exercise, good diet & sleep.
   • dish out chores based on what others like to do.
   • don’t pack too many to-dos.
   • keep it less rigid.

Avoid feeling frantic/snappish:

1. focus more on making the event happy rather than great or appreciative.
2. perfect details are seldom registered by others.
3. sometimes mistakes make good memories.
4. let events unfold & have fun in the moment.

Avoid nagging:

• suggest tasks without using words or limit to 1word.
• instead of insisting on time, ask “will you be able to complete the task before this event [state the need for that time]
• decline the task rather than breaking a promise.
• avoid annoyances by having clear assignments of chores based on personal priorities.
• if you want something done your way, do it yourself.
• show others the change you want in them by being an example yourself.
• instead of getting uptight, settle for a partial victory or decide you don’t mind.
• don’t push others for the impossible without considering their competencies.
• if you can afford, hire a maid or buy ready-made, rather than compromise happiness by having a conflict.

Rules to Fight right:

• don’t assume. gather info of others stance before confronting for an argument.
• focus on several ideas about what is the most equitable distribution of responsibility regarding the conflict issue.
• select a neutral spot, decide who will be present & who will speak first, schedule adequate time for everyone to express their resentment.
• have ground rules for respectful behaviour. ban anger, yelling, swear words, personal attacks, petty attacks, accusations, expressions/movements which show irritation/frustration. Take breaks[20min] when emotions get uptight to let in logic.
• don’t prove yourself right, but acknowledge other’s view & before responding slow down with “let me understand what it is you exactly wanted to convey”
• close a difficult conversation mentioning a happy memory or a lovable quality about the other.

Maneuvering the 3 dead-ends:

1. persisting argument with no end –
   • put it aside & do something that both the parties like.
   • simultaneously think about what is really bothering, is it a deisre ofr respect or control…
   • after the break, hear to each other’s points. sometimes problems resolve just by being heard.
2. demands/duties blocking future orientation-
   • share your wishes
   • compare each other’s top 3 goals & reasons.
   • participate together in an activity.
3. disagreeing agreably-
   • help others to change.
   • speak to common interests.
   • make a compromise which you can live with.

Dealing with difficult relatives:

• pre-state the ending time of the get-together [like you have somewhere to go by this time]so that that power to end will facilitate tolerability & lessen stress-provoked outbursts.
• pre-meditate on how to behave. don’t react in the moment. be light-hearted [calm, friendly; angry, defensive, suspicious] Act the way you want to feel.
• increase exposure with the person which in-turn raises tolerance for the person.
• unless your deeply held principles are violated, respect others priorities.
• all severity that does not increase good or evil should be ignored.
• others remarks will sting less if you know your values.
• agree to disagree.
• show interest with open-ended questions, not specific.
• its not polite or effective to point out others mistakes or criticise others choices.
• sometimes you can behave nicely for others happiness, even if you can pitch a battle for your happiness.

Decluttering tips:

• get rid of things you have’nt used since more than 6mos.
• don’t store / repair / organize / categorise.
• don’t wait choosing recipients.
• just imagine will it really be that terrible if you get rid of it.
• cut down on the number of trophies you need for each memorable event.
• prefer keeping an empty shelf.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , home, family, conflict, relatives, nagging, frantic, declutter, happiness

It’s always much easier to give up, but people with grit can keep going.

Grit is showing up again and again to get really good at a specific passion by taking long enough time and continuous effort.

Not swerving from the big picture by restraining from jumping goals. Forcing to think of goals as continuous process and not as a single glamorous sprint.
Motivating yourself by relying on effort and not contending in your abilities.
Sustenance for the finishing 1000th step than the impulsive 1st step for strict consistency. Then , success becomes a matter of when,not if; inevitable,not luck

Nobody is talented enough to not have to work hard, and that’s what grit allows you to do.

Cultivating a gritty attitude:

1. try to make it on your own.Cut your purse strings and sponsors.[could be unrealistic in some instances]
2. clarify your goals, initially choose more attainable goals.
3. do only 70% capturing core concepts, possible in this given time. later fill-up the gaps during more relevant specific pursuits.
4. refuse interruptions, decline all that that doesn’t entertain your strengths.
5. use antidepressants for more general low mood.
6. gain knowledge through spaced repetitions. Work steadily. Never resist sleep when tired.
7. after experimenting with different strategies[routines,chunking to easiest starting task,deleting temptations], choose one that lowers your burn rate in the long run. Preserve health.
8. do not let external incentives to choke out your intrinsic motivations.
9. know the worst case, to control and work on ways to extend the deadline to current lifestyle [from debt,overwork, lack of growth].
10. think of inspiring daily heroes.

Navigating a storm:

1. Decide to enhance your leadership skills by testing yourself in the thick of crisis which is superior than leading in good times or studying others navigating troubled times.
2. Be willing to ask for help. Going alone won’t be effective; rely on a mentor, an internal management group and an external support group.
3. Stay true to your principles and implement permanent solutions without masking real problems to ensure a long lasting recovery and a sustainable future.
4. Express your vulnerabilities, concerns, doubts. This encourages potentially unforeseen problems to be voiced sooner.
5. Aggressively take action to make major changes that strengthen the organization, since it’s a rare opportunity of lessened resistance than at good times.
6. Rethink your industry’s strategy on the changing needs of your customers in these bad times.
7. Launch an unconventional strategy to emerge as a leader.
8. Make your strengths the basis of competition while exposing the competitor’s weaknesses. Go on offence to win now and reshape the market to play to your strengths.
9. Eliminate your weaknesses [slow bureaucracy] to be competitive.
10. Apart from keeping afloat, devise a post-crisis’s strategy.
11. Stress on sound execution. Assign the best people and keep them accountable for completion of tasks upto the minute detail while always keeping plans flexible and consistent to changing times.

There are opportunities that will be created that don’t even exist yet. Just be there. They’ll come. We are all on the road, and the end is not fixed.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , AMBITIOUS, EMPOWER, GRIT, GROWTH, LEADERSHIP, TURBULENCE, WEAKNESSES, WIN

Irrationality is specific and predictable [DanAriely]

• cognitive dissonance, refers to what we do when our beliefs and actions misalign. When we can’t change the cold, hard facts, we change our beliefs! [eg. when a girlfriend makes her lover wait or fret for her, he will rationalize it by deciding he loves her]
• confronted with one disruption to our daily routine, we become more open to other changes. When things break, we enter the right mind-frame for breaking our old habits as well.
• comparison with context helps us to understand how much we love or value something or willing to care for someone. Context moulds our perseption [eg. same food portion in a small plate rather than a big plate, satietes more]
• happiness depends on what we can easily imagine/avail & the ‘don’t have state’ is more easily imaginable but after getting it we adapt overtime to the new level of stimulation.
• anchoring is the seeding of a NEW initial desicion that influences future decisions to will into a string of habit.
• product framed as ‘free’, is more attractive with only upside, than discounting/free shipping/removing taxes.
• social force & market force are not additive, when one comes other one goes away. Social norms protect, build trust & confidence, so hiding money[market norm] inefficiently in the form of gifts[social norm] is a good deal since valuable relationships are preserved.
• emotions are a crucial driver & multiventer.[eg. in hot state, the promises previously made in cold state(like adhering to condoms) are broken. We just aren’t the same person all the time. In our cold, dispassionate state, we stick to our long-term goals (I will lose ten pounds); but when we become emotionally aroused, our short-term wants take the helm (Oh but I am hungry, so I’ll have that slice of cake). And what’s worse, we consistently fail to realize just how differently we’ll act and feel once aroused]
• heightened sensitivity to short-term, make us forget the longterm goals. Some frailabilities[like procrastination] can be overcome if we give them the right tool [like option of presetting a deadline with a downside for failing to attain it].
• the buyer & seller have 2differrent perspectives not on what they give & get in the transaction but focusing more on what they tend to give up. So seller has a higher price for giving up ownership.
• fear of loss/ giving up options makes us think that more options/flexibility is better. So when other doors are threathened to disappear, we try to open to keep the options open rather than dedicate all attention,energy,affection to the one [eg.relation] that stands long chance of survining.
• reality gets reinforced/influenced by what we expect of it [placebo effect].

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , PERSPECTIVE, RELATE, THINKING PATTERNS

Parent mentor should be a guide by the side not the sage on the stage.

Bottom line: You can’t motivate people. If you want people motivated to do a good job, give them a good job to do, set up conditions to maximize the chances that they develop genuine interest. We are more likely to do constructive things like exercising when given choices. We can better tolerate noise, cold, and electric shock if we know we have the power to end them.

1. Don’t just lecture on the right way to do things, take into account their own perspectives, view points, ways of making sense & formulating meaning. Revise their original thinking. Don’t just correct them, figure out why they occur. Make collaboration the rule.
2. If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust, share feelings, and grow. If they are taken seriously, they can respect others. If their emotional needs are met, they can meet other people’s needs.
3. First be a person, rather than playing a role. A PERSON gets distracted or tired, makes mistakes, asks for opinions, has interests outside of parenting and teaching, and doesn’t mind discussing them.
4. Set an example. Show kids that you enjoy reading and other intellectual pursuits. Admit when you don’t know something. Demonstrate tenacity in the face of failure. Question conventional wisdom. Show how to make sense of a piece of writing that is hard to understand. Telling them, “If I ever say something to you that embarrasses or hurts your feelings (which I may do sometimes because I’m not perfect) please let me know” sets an example of courage as well as concern.
5. If we want a child to take responsibility for their own behavior, we must give them responsibility. A child learns to make decisions by making decisions, not by following directions. Give them a chance to help themselves. Rushing in to help teaches them that an adult will always take care of everything.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , MENTORING

TAINT PROOF: DEAL WITH DAILY LAY POLITICS

Ash may not burn your hands like fire, but it chars you black, so don’t handle it.

Recognize a politically charged atmosphere -

1. indirect/controlled/manipulated communication. people/actions/decisions are judged as good/bad. relationships & alliances are built upon secrecy.
2. mundane is overblown, significant issues are minimised. resistance to policies ranges from passive to overtly destructive.
3. conflicts are behind the scenes & are unacknowledged. when things go wrong,rather than seeking the causes of problems, people blame each other.
4. decisions are made by small powerful cliques. information is disseminated by gossip. employees lack direction on what is expected of them. rosy promises of future distract people from an unhappy present.

Be politically astute – manage how you are perceived-

1. do unto others the way they would want.
2. talk about your strenghts & how well you can relate to company’s needs.
3. honor your gut feelings & intuition: if something doesn’t feel right to you, don’t participate.
4. become known as the “get it done” type & manage others perceptions to the point you get credit for the good work you are doing, but don’t put appearance ahead of substance.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , POLITICS, RELATE

JOB SEARCH STEPS

• represent yourself accurately, but connect what you’ve already done with the needs of the company while writing up the resume.
• network for the long term, nurturing your contacts in the industry, doing your best to make yourself available as a resource for these contacts, as well. authentic networker asks what he is doing right or wrong in his search & closes with a respectful comment that makes it obvious there is some give & take going on.
• prepare for the interview by studying yourself with a SWOT analysis- acts as a scaffold to add commentory about your marketable skills:

1. strenghts- what factors & influences motivated you? important personal characteristics? technical abilities? describe the problem that you worked on & the approach & results of it.
2. weaknesses- list[tip of the iceberg] the technical & background experience weaknesses in relation to to the job & esp those the interviewer most likely has already assumed, then present a positive plan to move past it.
3. opportunities & threats- what do the trends in science & business mean to you future career?
4. if its a behavioural question, answer sincerely without guessing what the interviewer is looking for.

process of networking goes on forever, in many aspects of professional life, not just at job-search time & leads to new opportunities for collaboration, invitations to lecture, unsought job offers, & even form lifelong friends. so integrate into your daily routine:

• every contact you make is a seed to a future relationship.
• be generous,give your time & expertise freely, never keep score.
• do homework: know as much as possible about your contact before you plan an introduction.
• best cold calls are to people who are just a couple of years past you in experience.
• while you may not have more than a few moments, but you never know when the recruting opportunity strikes, so never hesitate to contact the top people in your field.

the best time to build a network is before you need it. relations are the most credible expression of who you are & what you have to offer.

Filed under: INITIATIVES , IDEA, JOB

NETWORKING TOOLS FOR WOMEN

1. build professional relationships by finding a sponsor within the old-boys network & use even non-professional networking opportunities to advance your career.
2. negotiate like a wrestler,ask more & more often & don’t settle sooner. practice in local markets during holidays.
3. set up a dealing interaction & build a good reputation by doing a good job around the mentor you want to meet. get close to a role model by helping them with everyday tasks, then observe & learn. then practice being a leader yourself wherever you can, esp when the consequences of making mistakes are small. being the figurehead of such initiatives does not only enlarge your network but also increases your self-confidence. as a result, your environment starts recognizing your leadership capcities & you’ll be invited to take the leader role more often.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , ASSERT, COLLABORATE, LEADERSHIP, RELATE

Networking :You are not at the mercy of an accident of birth!

You are who you know : what clusters you want to be in, who is the hub or which connector knows the hub?

• And this is a small world with at least the possibility to reach people within a reasonable number of steps [Law of 6 degrees of separation].

• And networks evolve, your world changes and you yourself change.

So the key in networking is:

1. Repeated interactions over time can only occur when based on deals or liking each other. So get active with people who you like or who love you or atleast with whom you can make an honest exchange or a deal, then you may enjoy getting invitations!
2. He who starts early, gets the most.
3. Ones who are relaxed, humorous, friendly will make more connections. Fit get richer. Likable people are easy to relate to. They’ve learned how to explain their passions and drives in a way other people can readily understand.
4. The larger and more active your network, the more likely that you will be tipped off. Team performs better when each of its members is able to act as a source of information from ‘places far away’. So just go and have a nice time within as many different closed groups as you can, be active in multiple cliques, search them in a variety of ways using your multifaceted identity.
5. Givers get. That is the paradox of profit :   Everyday support is more like giving an idea, a helping hand, a listening ear, a tip. Emergency support is, for instance, bringing someone home when his or her car is broken or lending a person a considerable amount of money to get a business started. Give with pleasure,unconditionally,treat others the way they want to be treated. But give respectfully, to the receiver and to yourself. And you’ll be given valuable information, moral supprot and any other kind of help.
6. Those who have personal connections in common feel a stronger bond and are thus more likely to be supportive of each other. When the network owes support to an individual, the individual doesn’t need to depend on ties with specific other individuals who owe reciprocity. Your reputation travels ahead of you. You do not have to be a best friend, just another weak tie can get you to the hub and these vague references are less risky too!
7. Trusted weak ties provide the most useful knowledge. Trust here means benevolence-based trust (the person cares about me) or competence-based trust (this source approaches things with professionalism and dedication). Therefore, when looking for what you need, look for weak ties in a caring or a professional and dedicated environment.
8. And what you need to send out across is a sensible crisp request repeatedly to stand a chance of being passed on while at least reflecting your original intention: specific, short, memorable, first in a series, contains an element of movement, uses labels and familiar symbols, gives an idea of the relative importance of its different components, invoking further explanation.
9. Lack of initiative or interest or incentive was by far the most important reason for chains failing to reach the target. And longer chains become less effective since you haven’t built up a relationship with that farther person. The friend of a friend of a friend does not know you or your friend.

I think these tips would root-out learned helplessness.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , COLLABORATE, FRIENDSHIPS, NETWORKING, RELATE, RELATIONS, SEARCH

RUN FROM SIN

what are the social psychological processes that grease the slippery slope of evil-

psychology is not excusiology. understanding is not excusing. nothing is easier to denounc the evil-doer, nothing more difficult than understanding him

1. mindlessly taking the first small step[bullying,prejudice,violence is a disease, public health model not individual]
2. dehumanization of others[cleaning toilets, humiliation, degrading fellatio]]
3. deindividualization of self[numbering]
4. diffusion of personal responsibility
5. blind obedience of authority
6. uncritical confirmity to group norms
7. passive tolerance to evil through inaction/indifference
8. new/unfamiliar situation
9. habitual response patterns don’t work
10. personality,morality are disengaged
11. anonimity in uniforms/masks

ordinary day to day heroism is the antidote to evil. heroic imagination is waiting for the right situation to come along in action. to be a hero you have to be deviant because you are going against the confirmity of the soceity.

you are going to act when others are passive

you have to act socio centrically not egocentrically

so one day you will be in a new situation with choices of being a perpetuator of evil / guilty of passive inaction / you become a hero. it may happen only once in your life, and when you pass it by you will always know, i could have been a hero and i let it pass me by.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , IDEA, SINNING

OPTIMUM TIME PROFILE

Time perspective [how we divide our experiences into time zones unconsciously] biases decision based on-

1. present momentary stimulation(hedonistic/fatalistic -gives enegy to explore),
2. past memories(-/+ gives identity roots of person),
3. future consequences(setting goals/transcend -reach new destinations, new challenges, cash on opportunities).

excess of each either ways becomes negative.

use:applied to drop-outs,addictions,resilience,suicide bombers,family conflicts, recalling the what one is good at or the good things done each day helps improve one’s self-esteem,assertiveness, creativity, empathy & engagement with others.

optimal time profile is high on past positive, moderate high on future, moderate on present hedonism, low on past negative and present fatalism. ratio to aim is 4:3:2:1

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , AMBITIOUS, ATTITUDE, GROWTH, IDEA, PERSPECTIVE, PRODUCTIVE

don’t play to your temptations or let others cash on your weaknesses

admitting truth instills confidence to have productive conflict which clears decisions for accountable performance.

• don’t lock up conscience: gain credibility by welcoming dissent & admitting when you are wrong. that which the truth demolishes should be.
• don’t bottle up tensions: encourage airing perspective differences helps debugging towards better decisions but guard against attacks on self-esteem. let collaboration thrive in the chaos.
• don’t shirk from duty: clear direction is the antidote to anxiety so settle the uncertainty rather than staying paralysed analyzing more info/debating accurate timing to act. demarcate responsibilities.
• don’t hold back  first things: work for long-term respect by giving negative feedback & making commitments accountable. don’t be a affectionate anchor feeding others ego & to fit in the group think.
• don’t smudge the report card: measure success by performance not by advancing status or protecting ego.if you want to cut, you should’nt parry.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , ATTITUDE, RELATE, TEMPTATIONS, WEAKNESSES

creating a powerful image for yourself

YOURSELF:

• be the master of your own identity, new re-created to command attention. never accept roles that society foists on you. do not get stuck in the past not of your own making. do not commit to any side but to yourself. free involves a hidden obligation, stay clear of gratitude, guilt, deceit. generosity is a magnet for power. never teach others enough to do without you. the more they rely on you for prosperity, the more freedom you have.
• act royal confident to be treated like one. appearing common or vulgar will disrespect you. be conspicuous at all cost -larger colorful mysterious . stay calm & objective. be a cult-figure by offering a cause to follow, enthusiasm, rituals. learn to stand back patiently when the time is not yet ripe & strike fiercely when it has reached fruition.
• be imperfect- occassionally display defects, admit to vices to deflect envy & appear approachable. ignoring things you cannot have is the best revenge. show contempt to seem superior. when you’re weaker, surrender, to recover preparation time to torment irritate your conqueror.
• the more you say, the more common you appear & the less in control & the more likely you are to say something foolish. get others agree with you through your actions. argument breeds resentment & ill-will which are stronger & last longer. ask questions exploring others intentions & weaknesses, get info to stay ahead. lure others to come to you abandoning their own plans. when asking for help appeal to people’s self-interest, not to mercy or gratitude. manufacture romance & conjure up fantasy. never appeal to harsh truth or distressing reality. seduce the emotions for a loyal pawn. soften resistance by playing on what they hold dear & what they fear. give people options that come out in your favor whichever one they choose.
• act on what you are sure of. any mistakes you commit with audacity are more easily corrected with more audacity. doubts/hesitations will infect your execution. act effortlessly, as if you could do much more. accept uncertainity & keep yourself adaptable. plan till the end to not get overwhelmed by circumstances, to know when to stop, to reverse any twists of fortune, to determine future. stop at your goal. overconfidence of victory can push you past your planned goal, making more enemies than you can defeat. after winning do not make drastic changes that will lead to revolt. make it feel like a gentle improvements on the past.

WITH OTHERS:

• concentrate your energies on one key patron.
• make your masters feel comfortably superior, more brilliant than they are.
• perfect courtier -indirection, flatters, yields to superiors, asserts power in a graceful manner.
• avoid the unhappy & unlucky. you may drown from someone else’s misery. associate with the happy & fortunate instead.
• isolation cuts off info & an easy target. find allies to shield yourself from enemies.
• share your unconventional ideas only with friends who appreciate your uniqueness.
• temporary withdrawl from the group will increase your price.
• never offend or deceive the wrong person, there are wolves in sheep’s clothing who will nurse a lifelong revenge.
• hire a former enemy & he’ll be more loyal than a friend because he has more to prove.
• banish the trouble-maker before they multiply.

FIGHT OPPONENTS:

• conceal your tricks or they will be used against you. never reveal the purpose behind your actions & guide them down the wrong path, to keep people unprepared for a defense. be unpredictable to keep them off-balance.
  
• seem dumber than your enemies. cash on enemy’s weak point :insecurity, uncontrollable emotion, secret pleasure. do exactly what the enemy does. mocks them, teaches them a lesson, conceals your strategy, makes them overreact.
• disguise your involvement using others as scapegoats.never do yourself what others can do for you. use others services to further your own cause. save time, energy, speed, efficiency. once your selective honesty opens a hole in their armor, you can deceive & manipulate them at will. crush your enemy totally, not only in body but in spirit.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , IMAGE

Job prospects

got these from marty nemko, the career counsellor:

resume-

• write resume targetting the specific employer, not the same for every job.
• list not just your skills but even chronologically, they anyway will see through so don’t hide gaps.
• tell 3-4 sentence stories about your skills, how you solved something.
• do a 30-60sec introduction vedio about yourself to be ahead of the pack.

interview-

• for questions you most dread, prepare a good ready answer
• prepare by using PAS stories :problem-approach-resolution.
• show enthusiasm with questions to ask from them [early to tear on further answers] like in this job which ends up being the single most important thing to doing it successfully.
• going in pretend “i’m the best self”. remind to shake off feeling depressed.
• moderately enthusiastic by asking at the end “am really excited about this job,is there anything about me you feel reluctant potentially to hire me”. that gives you a chance to counter any objections they raise.

promotion-

• hitch myself to a star [running into while in elevator or..]“heard great things about you, if you’re going to need extra help, i would like to join you even if its a weekend project.
• doing something core to that organization’s growth like becoming the sale’s person bringing in money.
• professional association to move up myself outside the organization.
  make some intelligent blog posts, get branding -use twitter/likedin/facebook

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , IDEA, JOB

IS IT POSSIBLE TO GIVE PRODUCTIVE CRITICISM & HOW TO HANDLE DISSENT

Critic’s view could be:

• they are expecting something of more better quality.
• a reaction to uncertainity on failing to understand the full picture.
• to build status.
• benefits some ulterior motive or feeds their ego out of sheer envy.
• or it may just be a differrent point of view because of an uncommon ground.

When should you criticize?

“If you are ready to BE PART OF THE SOLUTION,only then criticize.”

“If it gives you PAIN to criticize, then give the constructive criticism. But if it gives pleasure,then DON’T.”

What spoken helps being part of the solution when it [provided the receiver is sincere & healthy]-

1. offers a tool/TECHNIQUE which reasonably works out & engages flow.
2. gives an insight, the clarity of which removes the stuck feeling & builds positive attitude.
3. may also help improve awareness & has potential to challenge one to be more inquisitive & clear in one’s claims. When then, they are channelled towards making them real, a visionary leader can be born.

But, if you are too rational while suggesting, you may sound harsh or mean.  And it negates compliance & the very purpose of criticising to bring about change is defeated.

But, if you are too sensitive while empathizing, you may look irrational or foolish or sentimental. Though, concern motivates action, at times it may backfire.

May be by understanding psychological workings, one can tick the best optimum between rationality & sensitivity. Is it practically possible to reach that optimum?

How to criticize productively?

“When feedback comes from someone whose face is also marred by the same dust and sweat and blood…not just shouting from the sidelines whenever they happen to feel particularly irked or impressed”  it is valued.

Try blending your negativity:

1. restrict to do so in areas where you can relate or have credibility or shared experience.
2. precede your critique by acknowledging your distance to the matter. Then the chance your feedback gets listened to, goes up.
3. “You must be really busy in ways I don’t understand,” observe the knowing nod, and then get to the criticism.

How to respond to criticism?

• Get inside their perspective & talk to them like people ( few will have the energy to still remain mad). Without dismissing, apologize on your part in arousing those feelings for them, even though you are not responsible. Stay professional & calmly clarify their assumptions.Respond only once (take your shot & go home), don’t engage in back-and-forth name calling.
• Check by debugging. Don’t listen to any one, listen to everyone, or better yet do a RANDOMISED  DOUBLE BLINDED PLACEBO CONTROLLED TRIAL  & compare with the truth you know as, then do something constructively. So, stay above one-off events & look back to gain the perspective ‘this too shall pass’.
  
• Its proof that you are live & kicking. Even if you are perfect–literally perfect, with no reason for anyone to do anything other than love you–some people will hate you simply because you ARE perfect. Such is envy.
• Keep your goals above them. To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, think nothing. No matter what you do or do not, they will anyway judge, that’s their bad habit.
• Its not the critic who counts, its YOU THE DOER. If you are not a coward, you would be realistic/rational in expectations. When the world is unfair, we do get knocked off & should there be a reason for that? Moreover, there is no effort without error & shortcoming. Get tough with your emotions by exposing to more of adversity. Answer back accusations cooly: ‘wait & watch for the truth to reveal‘.
• Declare your independence from the good or bad opinions of others. Only you know what great high you felt pursuing your earnest decision. You would’nt have reached the end if you have’nt been enjoying the ride. REJOICE! you have already become the worthy one to deserve the experience of daring greatly. When annoyed by someone’s remarks, ask yourself, “Am I living according to my own values?” If you are, criticism slides off more easily.

How to counter unjust criticisms:

• Collect facts to ascertain injustice, then negotiate: “If I sought to answer all the criticisms, I would have no time for constructive work. Since I feel you have a genuine good will & your criticisms are sincerely put forth, I want to answer in patient & reasonable terms”:Martin Luther King Jr. “If I care to listen to every criticism, let alone act on them, then this shop may as well be closed for all other businesses. I have learned to do my best, and if the end result is good then I do not care for any criticism, but if the end result is not good, then even the praise of ten angels would not make the difference”:Abraham Lincoln
• Civil disobedience: create a crisis & tension that forces non-negotiators to confront the issue & rise from bias to understanding. Bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive, to the light of human conscience and the air of everyone’s opinion, where it can be seen and dealt with. [It is wrong to urge an individual to cease his efforts to gain his self-esteem because the quest may precipitate disharmony] Unlike individuals, privileged groups seldom voluntarily give up their unjust posture. It has to be demanded by the oppressed.
• Time is always ripe to do right: Justice too long delayed is justice denied. Lukewarm acceptance, is much more bewildering than outright rejection, from those who are more devoted to “order/ absence of tension” than to positive peace: justice; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time. Time itself is neutral, it can be used either destructively or constructively. Now is the time to make real the promise, without this hard work, time itself becomes an ally of the forces of stagnation: complacency from lack of self-respect, despair from lack of support, insensitivity out of some marginal gain & hatred from advocated violence.
• Injustice must be rooted out by strong, persistent and determined action: Anything that degrades human personality is unjust. When living constantly plagued with inner fears & outer resentments, there comes a time, endurance runs over, no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. If repressed emotions are not released in nonviolent ways, they will seek expression through violence; this is not a threat but a fact of history. This normal and healthy discontent can be channeled into the creative outlet of nonviolent direct action: standing up for what is the truth, nothing more nor less.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , COUNTER, CRITICISM, DISSENT, HURT, INJUSTICE, MISUNDERSTANDING, RESPOND, TURBULENCE

SENSE INTIMIDATION…BULLIED… TRY THESE

Acting like a jerk isn’t just something that a few twisted people are born with, it is a contagious disease.

• THE BIGGEST AND BEST LESSON: ESCAPE AS FAST AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. You are at great risk of suffering personal damage and of turning into as asshole yourself.
  
• “a hard stare” and tell him his behavior is “absolutely unacceptable and I simply won’t tolerate it.”
• “When you are rational enough to carry on this conversation without screaming I might be willing to listen, But I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOU TO SCREAM AT ME IN THIS ABUSIVE MANNER.”
  
• “You can criticize my work, and I’ll try to improve, but attacking me is unacceptable or I WIL LEAVE.”
  
• If a bully keeps spewing venom at you, limit your contact with the creep as much as possible. Try to avoid. Or try to meet at places without chairs and avoid sitting down during meetings with assholes whenever possible – it limits your exposure to their abuse.
• Be polite but don’t provide a lot of personal information during meetings of any kind. Try to avoid snapping back; it can fuel a vicious circle of asshole poisoning.
• Enjoy “small wins” over assholes, if you can’t reform or expel the bully. Play the spoil sport before him. Guess this “As usual, he ate them without permission, when she told this thief what was in the candy, he was not happy.”
• Don’t let their vicious words and deeds touch your soul, learn to be comfortably numb until the day comes when you find a workplace that deserves your passion and full commitment. Those who treat you like dirt don’t deserve your’s.
• Carefully document what the jerk does and when it happens. An effective tactic is to recruit other colleagues to keep “asshole diaries” too. It is far more difficult for management – or a judge – to dismiss a complaint from a group of victims than a single victim.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , BULLYING

YOU DESERVE THE DEAL BUT HAVE A RIVAL TO COMPETE, WHAT DO YOU DO?

engaging in politics could become necessarywhen we have to compete  in order to prove our competency or uphold the truth. so how do you win or defend your basic position from politics of human nature?

STAGE A WAR ON THE RIVAL !

cause chaos, uncertainty, over-thinking, overreaction, emotion, overwhelm, error.

decrease their resolve, willpower, strategy, maneuver, choices, support, resistance.

by making faster decisions, sudden attacks, closing their access to outside, creating dilemmas, instilling doubts, send low detailed messages, question their motives as evil, irritate, distract, lure, criticise their alliance to isolate them.

SELF-DIRECT:

• expose to adversity. get tough.
• react ruthlessly.  fight fire with fire.
• have presence of mind in chaos. balance emotion with rationality.

ORGANIZE:

• go on a moral crusade. a cause to uphold.
• be righteous, clean from blame/targets.
• do not group-think.

DEFENCE:

• deter with a threatening presence of uncertainty.
• buy valuable time. retreat from responding.
• consider hidden costs of war- goodwill/revenge.

OFFENCE:

• uncompromising.
• chunk into defeatable parts.
• loose battles but win the war.
• target the enemy army’s mind & what it cherishes.
• or, instead winning, control the relation.
• pressurize on your terms in negotiations.
• avoid entanglements where there are no realistic exits.

UNCONVENTIONAL:

• dominate in disguise of submission.
• feed their perception & isolate them from what is going on.
• stay ordinary & hit line of least expectation out of blue.
• be elusive & lead them to chase into void.
• conquer small bits to elude attention.

if you have an army-

• inwardly declare war.
• tie their survival to the success of the cause.
• lead without constraining.
• participate without group-thinking.
• organize independent groups for controlled chaos.

alliance -

• while seeming to strive for everyone’s interest, further your own by compensating your deficiencies, do your dirty work, to fight your wars.
• if you want something, don’t fight, join them, to slowly make it your own or stage a coup at right moment.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , WIN

gems of communication & relationships

success is 90% peoples skills & 10% ideas

to hasten good bonding in relationships:

• relate with the friend’s friends
• meet at more than one place [not just at college, at seminars, exhibitions, library, home...
• trust one on one encounter more than those altered by group dynamics
• share stories for increasing emotional relatedness
• have fun
• keep your antenna out for workplace ritual behaviors.
• unless damm sure try it their way.
• unless you have very good reason, work on feedback.
• acknowledge "that experiment din't work" &  readily switch gears to an other way.
• regulate, don't try prohibiting anything to zero-risk.
• build your competency on your fears...GREAT learning sign!
• don't add to the tension, break it. [do curse for a moment to let go the steam...may be on your slothful computer]

let flow  communication:

• “would you mind doing me a favor?”
• even in disagreement show interest to listen to others opinion “I want to hear what’s your view/reason is” “our judgements fall on the same scale but at different intensity points”
• while comparing clarify “it’s an observation not criticism”
• don’t interrupt with a negative statement before the other person completes saying their story
• don’t hesitate to switch topics. “let’s switch topics”
• don’t leave anyone feeling alone.  hear what the rised hand wanted to say
• send off with a “i enjoyed the talk with you” when the other’s attention is receding
• insert a fore-warn “a quick side story before continuing the topic”
• extreme emotion doesn’t read as passion, but as out of control or possessive. Let out emotions not wider than pleased to concerned.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , COLLABORATE, COMMUNICATION, RELATE

thinking patterns – desicions – downsides

for real high probable/events near in space or time/trend deviations - think on making a decision for getting things done/how to do using complex details requiring mental strain giving insights.

for abstract/ low probable/distant /trend following/ our identity values, group/others attitude goals now – think on forming an image by making a effortless sparse hypothesis on why to do.

social norm mode drives performance thr feeling of  goodwill/satisfaction/personal pride. [nepotism,popularity contests over intelligence,unfair transactions are the downsides]. so pick this to spend your off hours.

market norm mode makes you more goal oreinted but you tend to focus on money you make [shady business dealings, moving workers overseas, ruthlees competition are the downsides] & forget  enjoying the flow from learning,relatedness,higher meaning.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , DECISION, THINKING PATTERNS

EMOTIONAL CONTROL MYTH

when we are unhappy, we crib & call that a shit moment.

Instead, without getting entangled in those temporary negative emotions :

• respect the situation to see what insight you can grasp or specific steps  to mitigate it.
• isolate that shit,keep patience to let it pass…in the while recall happy moments!
• zoom out for perspective focusing on the goals/passions we want to pursue.

emotional control is not not feeling emotions at all, it is adept handling of feelings to drink life to our fullest of interests.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , DECISION, FEEL, SENSITIVE

HOW TO HAVE THE RICH HEART TO INSTILL CONFIDENCE

Self-assurance not self-awareness drives performance.

Realistic assessment of difficulty & unrealistic optimism in ability will overcome challenges.

How to build strength in a shipwrecked person to bounce back or a vulnerable child with low self-esteem to race through the beautiful life?….. this is not a moment’s fix, it’s a continuous appraisal over a period, possible only in a stable long-term relationship:

SHOW CONFIDENCE IN THEM & ALSO IN YOURSELF:

Believe in the person. Entrust your confidence in them. Stay assured they will do it!

Things you say about yourself can damage your child’s self-esteem. Children learn a great deal from copying adults close to them. If you overreact to situations or pressure, your child may worry you really can’t handle life’s challenges. This won’t set your child an example of a positive, optimistic attitude to life and how to handle problems.

SHOW EMPATHY:

Listen to them carefully, repeat what you’ve heard to make sure you understood correctly and give positive prompts to encourage them to continue speaking. Acknowledge their feelings  and help express them verbally. Accept any fears or insecurities they express as genuine, even if they seem trivial to you, don’t just brush them aside.

Reassure that it’s OK to make mistakes and that it’s all part of  life/growing up.  Laugh with them – never at them.

SHOW RESPECT :

Respect their interests even if  they seem boring to you. Take a genuine interest in their friends, and what’s happening at school/work place/home, and comment to show you’re listening.

SHOW PRIDE:

Focus on whatever they can succeed at. Encourage them to take chances and try new things.

Praise , looking them in the eye & using their name,  saying specifically what you liked. Avoid praising with a sting in the tail.

Give frequent , genuine positive feedback on the efforts they put into tasks as well as the outcomes they achieved. Celebrate - for they measure their worth and achievements by what we think of them.

SHOW SUPPORT:

Reprimanding comments  make them feel even worse than they do already for failing at something. Instead, try to give support by saying something like: “Oh no, you tried, but it didn’t work. Never mind. Next time you could succeed.”  It’s not only the critical things said directly that can undermine confidence, even if they overhear you tell someone things like  “she’s so clumsy” they might think you really believe this and feel it can’t be changed.

Criticise behaviour, not the person. Be clear that it’s an action you’re angry about & not them.

Too many negative remarks  can result in them believing they’re useless or stupid.

All the following can damage one’s confidence:

• Saying you don’t like them
• Saying you wish they’d never been there
• Insults or unkind remarks
• Deliberately ridiculing things they do or feel
• Cruel teasing and sarcasm
• Endless nagging
• Aggressive shouting and swearing

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , ATTITUDE, EMPOWER, ENCOURAGE, RELATE, SENSITIVE

RIGHT ATTITUDE & PERFORMANCE.

Sticking to something optimistically,with the intention of :

1. coming out stronger [gives relief]
2. desperate hope [leads to stress]
3. working on an extraordinary strategy [gives creative high]

doesn’t guarantee success.

But by being aware of why you can fail & picking a solution,
even if it is not perfect but ensures reaching your goal,
& working on it with the intent to win raises the probability of success.

Positive attitude is one where you have a stock of new perspectives to cheer yourself to motivate your discipline to always stay part of the solution.

How to align this attitude to win at our goals?

Target one reasonably achievable  goal but put in unreasonable effort to do the impossible by nearing deadline/raising standards to concentrate your focus.

This hastiness helps because when you get hit with a turbulence
you don’t give up,  for you have a chance because of the left over surplus time or you’ve already reached the basic standard, to meet the goal.

If you don’t have this chance you will give up easily in that frail moment of failure or frustration.

Filed under: INITIATIVES, UNIVERSAL , ATTITUDE

CAN I MAKE FAIL-SAFE TO-DO LIST & INCREASE PERFORMANCE

I make every to-dos with honest hope of sticking to it whatever may come. In spite of it I falter regularly. I can’t pull my concentration together for studies on all times,even in desperate times. Why?

My personal awareness’s were as follows:

1. PSYCHOLOGICAL CHANGES -worries,plain hesitancy, dampened persistence,  bullied/negative criticisms, overwhelmed feeling.
2. PHYSICAL CHANGES -anxious nerves, tensed muscles.
3. METABOLIC CHANGES -abnormal glucose from inadequate food or junk food, constipation[apologies.. but yeah], excess sleep from sweets & sweet drinks.
4. HORMONAL CHANGES -[female thing .... well apologies again...3 days before till completion]
5. ENVIRONMENTAL CHANGES -uncomfortable seating,accessibility,clothes,  extremes of weather-heat,sultry,cold,  unsuitable atmosphere-noisy,dreary colors or texture,too much of light,clutter.

HOW TO FIX THEM:

For psychological issues -

• Keep your goals above what bugs you & time will tell “YOU COPED WELL”.
• Protect your self-esteem by never revealing your identity goals prematurely – esp those with a short deadline or when investing huge commitments.
• make a slow easier transition before shivering escape routes to decrease initiation hesitancy & increase persistence in the long run.
• search for new motivations – keep your self talk positive to encourage yourself to be part of the solution, dispute warp thoughts, decide the next action.
• vent out the turbulent thoughts by journalling & try shelving it forever with a permanent fix, forget myself by reading something random, pepping amusing memories or music.
• warm up concentration first on easy interesting subject/by photo reading the topic before the actual study, never read passively but annotate, simplify, paraphrase, illustrate, connect points without leaving anything floating, concise into keyword box.

For physical issues -

• practice heart coherence or breathing to calm down,
• revise your concise notes many times till you’re able to contrast concepts & get into flow.

For metabolic changes -

• keep a daily desk stock of fruit/nuts/curd/boiled sweet potato…,
• active playful ways of doing everything helps.

For hormonal changes -

• get done some long pending work [blogging, haircut, cleaning, rearrange] to get off the fateful stuck feeling,
• strenghten the goals [making a collage or browsing on your doubts] to not get lost.

Environmental hiccups –

• logical selection of clothes.
• declutter to create a comfortable dwelling.
• study at a new place away from usual boring routine.

Filed under: DISCLOSURE , ATTITUDE, CONCENTRATION, IDEA, PROCRASTINATION

HOW TO OFFER SUPPROT TO SOMEONE IN DISTRESS

When someone close to you is unable to pull themselves out of, something more serious than a passing emotional distress, what can you do to mitigate the suffering?

GET THEM RIGHT:

First keep in mind, how any human mind in distress is susceptible to behave :

• everything is out of control & see false patterns,illusions,conspiracies.
• tend to feel lonely & any attempt to get back on track looks hopeless.
• unable to cope with day-to-day life.
• labile & fragile extreme emotions-angry/frightened/aggressive/hostile/depressed/suicidal.
• unpredictable/unacceptable behaviour & refuse to accept anything is anyway unusual.

GET THEM SPEAK UP:

So, to personally know the contextual thoughts & inevitable feelings,actions , they should be roused to confine.

Hence, it helps to give support by being an empathetic listener who can reassure & encourage, to slowly pull them into good spirits.

Accept them by acknowledging but don’t tell them how they should feel or what they should do. Advising on how to solve competently, easily rebuffs someone who has lost self-confidence.

Don’t be over optimistic to waive off their problems. Help them solve themselves bite by bite.

GET THEM MOVING:

Appreciate even small successes or any positive direction they already took & make it a celebration.

To make them regain control & feel empowered ask them what they wish from others, from you & from their life.

Speak on their behalf & stand up for their rights. This advocacy will blossom hopes in them & strength to take on their life.

Give practical help in everyday tasks to preserve the basic structure of life. But do not do more than is necessary as it might increase the person’s feelings of inadequacy.

As they conquer challenges within their present transient low ability, their self-confidence increases & simultaneously their competencies reach normal levels.

GET THEM SMILING:

Make them feel secure & loved by holding hands,hugs. This’ll help them regain trust in the world around.

Help them forget their problems for a while & alleviate stress through laughter,films,amusing memories.

But don’t coax to the extent that you put them under pressure to “pull themselves together”.

Don’t shy away from resorting to Medical professional help if these changes don’t yield improvement. When positive internal dialogues are’nt helping, Anti-depressants,anxiolytics help acting like a scaffold for the optimum life structure from collapsing into tragic loses.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , EMPATHIZE, EMPOWER, ENCOURAGE, RELATE, SENSITIVE, SUPPORT

HOW TO ENCOURAGE GOOD LEARNING.

How do we make a teacher great?

The answer is really that we don’t.

-BILL GATES (TEDspeech).

To encourage a student to study more, primary requisite is to help protect his concentration from:

1. dissipating towards external pressures:irrelevant work,unproductive activities,disturbing people.
2. struggling for internal comforts:food,environment.
3. prejudices towards learning:status qou,family heritage,boring,uncoolness about being studious..

Focus can be sustained by meeting their level of understanding through:

1. relavent surrounding info on the topic, consicely paraphrased & metaphored/diagramed notes  & clarity in language to increase effectiveness.
2. manageable course load for the assigned time.
3. integrating all subjects to supplement one another for increasing efficiency & effectiveness.
4. providing alternative resources to explore & increase awareness-Internet,reference books,exposure to success icons.
5. engaging, energetic pepping dynamic, happy atmosphere increasing self esteem & involvement.

WORK HARD, BE NICE  -book about good teachers [KIPP] by JAY MATHEWS

Persistence can be encouraged when the learning :

1. challenges enough but is within competency level to achieve flow-exams/tests/questions.
2. meets the 3 dominant learning styles:winging before,charge into mid crisis,aftermath analysis.
3. allows true understanding-force them to anticipate the actual action of theory by introducing 3 flaws in the lecture to be deciphered by them.
4. accounts individual student’s performance feedback to work on weaknesses.
5. facilitates accountability & sharing knowledge through collaboration:seminars,sessions.

Self-assurance, not self-awareness drives performance.

Filed under: DISCLOSURE, UNIVERSAL , EDUCATION, IDEA, LEARNING, MENTORING, TEACH

LAGGING BEHIND SIGNS & SOLUTION.

 

DID YOU EVER CAUGHT YOURSELF IN THESE SITUATIONS-

You felt your brain’s ability to churn ideas is slow & limited, unlike the prodigies.

 

 

You reached a stuck point in life when thoughts stopped flowing or you were too frail & plaint that it seemed you can’t make it. 

 

 

No matter how hard you thought, feeling true to the suffering you endured, there wasn’t a proof that you grasped a rational insight.

 

 

All the conditioning you inevitably went through put so many bugs that you felt difficult to choose without a slanted view.

 

 

The likelihood of getting the full picture is narrowed ’cause you couldn’t be omnipresent.

 

 

 

WHAT’S THE SOLUTION: INVEST TO UPGRADE-

Gaining knowledge by reading far & low improves our probability of winging life’s opportunities. 

Reading provides us with pegs of information which accelerate our thoughts to reach a destination.

 

The more complete information we have the better the chances we hit the bull’s eye.

 

It may open the gates to an unthought of view or a retro-perspective whose insights give an edge to our circumstance.

 

Increased awareness about ourself & outside world lets us choose better.

Filed under: UNIVERSAL , FAILURE, FEEL, GROWTH, IDEA, SELF-HELP, STUCK